Thursday, July 28, 2011

Still Grieving After Almost 5 Years... (07/28/11)

Last night I had a dream about my Uncle Terry, who passed away of a heart attack a couple years ago at 44 years old in Shop Rite. Yes, in Shop Rite, running a simple errand. Out of all the deaths I've grieved over, this has been the hardest for me. I think it's mostly because I never got the chance to say goodbye, literally. Shortly before his death we celebrated a birthday party at a rollerblading rink/jungle gym for kids. When it was time to leave the party he was rollerblading with the kids that attended the birthday party (he was always great with kids). I didn't have rollerblades on and I didn't want to disturb him so I left the party. I want to kick myself everytime I think about that. I grew up wanting him to be in my children's lives. There's something special between him and every child's heart he touches. I wanted him to take part in their lives like he did in mine.

He was a typical "class clown" kinda guy. He was always making jokes and uplifting your spirits if you were feeling down. He'd give the shirt off his back for you. I dreamt last night that the door bell rang so I ran to the door and answered it. Who was there? My Uncle with a huge smile on his face. I jumped right into his open arms and gave him the biggest hug. Then he rubbed my belly. Why am I bringing this dream up? Because I have been having this dream often since I tested positive. I hope this is a sign that he's chiming in every so often up from heaven to see how me and baby Sophia are doing.

As I wipe away my tears that are streaming down my cheeks I will say that I love him so very much and miss him dearly. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him or run into something that reminds me of him. I see a motorcycle and I think of him as he was really big into bikes. I see a clown and I think of him because of his personality. I hear a song on the radio about a loss of a loved one and I think of him. I see a red, curly haired womans wig and I think of him because he went as a stripper for Halloween one year. I see a tiger on the animal planet or discovery channel and I think of him because he had a tiger tattoo. There's many more things that make me think of him or remind me of him but that list can go on forever.

On a lighter and more uplifting note this morning I woke up to find out that we're in the double digits! We have 99 days to go! How crazy is that?! Where in the world has time gone? Tomorrow I'll be 26 weeks and almost in the 3rd trimester. Ekkk!

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